Friday, September 9, 2011
9.9.2011
i think i am realizing that the dating scene is not for me. i like going on dates when i am already in relationships. i do not like dates with randoms in order to end up with "mr. right" - i wonder what that means for this love life of mine.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
8.8.11
there is nothing better than peace of mind and that is what i have now that i am living on my own. so thankful.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
7.31.11
mr. taylor loutsis, this is for you:
with graduation happening about seven weeks ago, i have had some time to reflect on my college experiences. the best way for me to break it down is by year. even though only four years have gone by, i feel as though i learned enough about myself, others and the world for at least a decade to have gone by. with that being said, let's get started.
freshman year:
being 17 and away from home was truly an experience. i didn't even realize how big of a deal it was until i was in my room weeping as my mom, brother and godsister drove away. reality set in that it would be quite some time before i saw them again. however, transitioning was made easier by having someone that i could relate to on multiple levels in the same room as myself. i still thank the santa clara housing department at least weekly for pairing me with marilena morales - she is the best roommate and friend that i could have ever asked for. my floor was amazing and i was lucky enough to be on the same floor as my favorite orientation leader, john duffy. i am pretty sure that was one of the reasons my mom was comfortable leaving me there. it is crazy to think that it is the people on my floor and in my community that are still some of my closest friends now - especially brittany miller, leslie henry, nathaniel mensah, makensy smith, sonia von berg, theophilus little and harrison augustine.
because i have always had friends from different groups, i came to college thinking it would be possible for me to keep in touch with all of my "friends" from high school (at least twenty people). looking back as a college graduate, i have been able to keep in touch with about half the amount. as a freshman, i thought it meant i was not a good friend. i now know that going away to school and being separated by thousands of miles shows you who really counted to begin with. i also learned this: as you grow up, sometimes you will grow apart from those who are not doing the same because you no longer have anything in common. this is not something that was easily recognized by me at first but once i did, it was easier to let go.
the relationship that i developed most during that first year was with myself. next, it was with marilena - she essentially became my sister. i shared everything with her, both things that were tangible and things that could not be seen. one of the relationships i am most grateful for that started during my freshman year and grew at a steady pace was my relationship with brittany or budoop as i call her.
i do not consider myself to be like the typical girl that loves to hang out with a bunch of girls and talk about trivial things. when i met brittany, that was our common connection. i found myself sharing things with her within just fall quarter (a 10 week timespan) that i didn't share with people that i had known for the entire time i was in high school. it was through this that i learned that friendship has little to do with how long you have known someone. it is more about the connection, level of trust, respect and understanding that you each have of one another. this is not something that could be determined by time. it is great to have a friend that i can call at any time, day or night, and know that she will be there.
leslie is someone that will be in my life until we die. that sounds morbid but i do not have another way to word it. i think we were drawn to each other initially because we are both kind of raw and blunt. this has caused a couple of bumps in the road for us, but at the end of the day, i think it is in large part why we have made it through - that level of rawness and honesty is hard to come by so i think it is possible that we caught each other off guard from time to time. my tongue can be razor sharp but she knows i have a good heart.
nate and i met during an ice breaker on move in weekend. since then, he has been one of my best friends. he is one of the funniest people i know and i appreciated (and still do) how comfortable he seems in his own skin. he is the type of person that can come off as being cocky or self-absorbed but what i love is what is beyond that exterior. if nate loves you, there is absolutely nothing he wouldn't do for you. i consider myself lucky to be on that side of the spectrum. i treat him like he is my child and as his mom at school, it has been amazing to watch him grow.
makensy is someone that i thought was hard to read at first. i later learned that she is just awkward by nature. she is also someone that came to college at a young age with a ton of friends from home to maintain relationships with. additionally, she had a boyfriend that she was trying long distance with for the first time, so we connected that way as well. i think part of the reason why we became friends is because we both love love without feeling smothered. we fill this void well for one another. she is my daughter at school. and in life.
sonia and i met in english class during week one of fall quarter. as strange as it sounds, i initially wanted to be friends with her because her voice reminded me of the main character from one of my favorite shows, daria. i would ask her to repeat things in class simply because her voice made me laugh. i later learned that sonia is one of those people that you can share anything in the world with which is why i love her so much. she is someone i talk to about some of my deepest and darkest secrets. it is nice to feel comfortable being able to do that without judgment or fear of it getting out. even if our friendship started because i liked her voice, i am happy it started somehow because i do not know what i would do without her.
theo is the type of friend that everyone needs. i say this because he can bring a smile to my face regardless of the type of day i am having. i also have admired his work ethic since the day we met - who comes to college to study medicine while in one of the most competitive rotc programs and still manages to maintain a great social life? only theo.
harrison's innocence and warm heart reminded me of my little brother, so that is how i treated him. even though he transferred so we do not get to see or talk to each other as much as we used to, the best kind of friends are the ones that you can go months without talking to and pick up exactly where you left off.
going to college as a 17 year old is probably unsafe just because you are in college but you are still a baby. well, at least i was. this is probably why i thought it was okay to drink/go out at least three days a week and smoke at my own leisure. this is not a lifestyle that is conducive with graduating on time and with good grades. starting sophomore year, i had some major catching up to do.
sophomore year:
wake the fuck up!!!!
that is essentially what i had to tell myself when my sophomore year started. of course, a huge part of college is having fun. however, with scu being one of the most expensive schools in the country, i needed to realize why i came - to get an excellent education and earn a diploma within four years.
marilena leaving our school made me feel like a piece of me was missing at scu. i feel like if we can make long distance work, anyone can.
i had to start prioritizing. one of the things i cut down on a great deal was partying. this was somewhat easy to do because i was hired to be a cf (community facilitator - other schools refer to this person as the ra). being responsible for the lives of 54 residents in addition to being responsible for me was no easy feat. even still, it was the most rewarding job i have ever had. i think this is when i learned just how much i love to take care of people and be a person that anyone can go to when there is something they need or want. the people that became a part of my life full-time during this year were: kamila lambert, jason travis, teki mensah, ale germann, sabrina ilich, joseph baini, ajaya ram, taylor bernal, meghan skarzynski, elisa torres, keith moorman, michael ting and taylor loutsis.
kamila is not something i ever call her. she is now known as lambchop. anyway, kamila and sabrina were paired together as roommates and i literally almost had a nervous breakdown just watching them set up their rooms because they were such polar opposites. lambchop appeared to be two things: edgy and angry. sabs appeared to be two things: prissy and happy. winning combination, right? actually, they complimented each other well and taught each other so much. lambchop had a right to be angry upon arrival because of what she was going through internally. i am just happy that what i first saw was not a permanent state of being. lambchop is one of the people i would call if i killed someone because she would help me hide the body - no questions asked. watching her come into her own and become such a beautiful being was one of the most rewarding parts of my job. even if i only can take credit for one percent, that is enough for me.
jason is a tough cookie. he is someone that could get through anything and help a friend through anything. i have seen and experienced both. i must have a thing for people from seattle - marilena, jason and taylor are all from there and absolutely amazing. he is someone that keeps me grounded and keeps me going.
teki is nate's little sister. i got to host her my freshman year because nate's roommate was filthy and he wanted his sister to stay somewhere relatively normal. i am so glad she came to scu. she is someone that makes me laugh and that just meshes in so well with me and my family. when my dad likes someone, i know they are a keeper. him and teki might as well be besties.
ale is without a doubt one of the most zen people i have ever met. one of my goals in life is to allow myself to enjoy and experience life the way she does. i feel like she has the ability to see the good in everyone and any situation. she also makes the world a more beautiful place by being in it and creating art that is indescribable.
sabs is someone that got to really get the best of both worlds out college: she got to explore her passions while stepping out of the comfort zone she had always so comfortable lived in. i enjoyed being a part of that and watching it all happen. i also love that she wears her heart on her sleeve. i myself am not an emotional person but i appreciate that she is. there is something refreshing about an emotional person that is not overly emotional.
joe is my brother. how we have not known each other since birth is actually beyond me. we were on the same cf staff and were just going through life at the exact same pace. it was nice to have someone that understood the demands of the job and me. well after the job was over, he still remains a constant in my life.
ajaya came to visit santa clara at the end of my freshman year as a prospective student. i saw that he was off by himself and wanted to make him more comfortable and have a better view of our school. little did i know that we would be lifelong friends. we have seen each other through a lot - switching schools, switching partners, switching passions, etc. even though he was only at scu for a year, we have only become closer.
tay bay and i met the same day as ajaya and i. she was originally supposed to be hosted by someone else but i kind of took over. we were talking and taking pictures like old friends after just a few hours. i was so happy she chose scu. i call her my little big sister. little because of her size and she is a grade below me. big because she is older than me by about a month. go figure.
skarz was a cf in another community but we shared a boss. she was so similar to me because she just had her feet dipped in everything. unlike some of my friends, she was not the type to get mad at me for not being able to hang out all of the time because she was equally busy. we were also similar in how much we valued quality time spent with the ones we loved whether it be family or friends.
elisa and i met freshman year but became friends sophomore year. she was so nice that i originally could not tell if it was genuine because it almost seemed unnatural to me. i don't know what that says about me but what i do know is that i am happy that i stayed around long enough to figure out just how great of a person she is.
keith is like an onion. i had to peel back layer after layer to really get to know him at his core. it was definitely worth it. i feel like he is the most philosophical people that i have ever encountered and i love good conversation, with keith, that is literally endless.
michael and i did not become really close until winter quarter. after taking a philosophy class together, i knew we would be the best of friends. we fulfill the same role in our friend groups and have similar outlooks on the world and what is important. he has been one of my favorite people to watch develop and mature.
tay does not go to scu. however, he is the best friend of one of the best people i met at scu, marilena. i met tay over memorial weekend in seattle. that weekend is one of the top five best weekends i had in college because i met him on that trip. this may sound arrogant, but i think my initial obsession was because i felt like if i were a white male, i would be taylor. he is fun, loving, intelligent, exciting and unafraid to go after what he wants. even though i feel like these are qualities i possess, at the time of my trip, some of them were dormant. he woke them up for me.
it was during this year that i reverted back to my old self but a new and improved version of myself. i also learned that there is no other relationship that is more important than the relationship that i have with myself.
junior year:
too many questions running through my head but the main one was this: did i pick the right major?
i am not used to school being difficult so when i struggled in multiple psych classes, i wondered if i chose the right path. it may sound like i am full of myself but then again, i am a pretty confident person. this confidence in myself is what made me stick with psychology, even if there were times where squeezing lemon juice in my eye would have been more bearable than studying for a class and not seeing the results that you want or deserve.
throw in the fact that i was working to help support myself in addition to doing extensive psych research, i do not know how i made it through the year. sleep is not a word i was even remotely familiar with during that time. i don't regret a single second of it - i will sleep when i'm dead.
this year, i became close with veronica and met anjelica and gracelyn.
roni and i should have been friends since freshman year. however, she thought that us la girls were clique-ish and had no interest in getting to know me. i'm happy i could prove her wrong. her east coast vibe and personality reminded me of all of the better qualities of my dad. i also liked that she isn't concerned with saving people's feelings - she is concerned with staying true to herself. she is the same roni in every setting and that is something that i love.
even though i got close to anj and glyn senior year, they entered my life junior year through sonia. they are all in the same sorority and i spend so much time with them that i have become an honorary member.
anj is my twin. we do not look alike but aside from that, we are the same. she understands me without me having to say much of anything. out birthdays are just a couple of days apart and she is one of the most selfless people i have ever met. sometimes, people take her kindness for weakness. this is something that i am all too familiar with.
glyn has more energy than anyone i have ever met. she is also going to be a great mom because she loves to take care of people and make them eat obscene amounts of food that she cooks. she is ambitious and driven. being around her makes me more ambitious and driven myself.
senior year:
welcome to the real fucking world. get ready, bitch!
no, honestly, this is what senior year was for me. definitely the most high stress year of my life. friendships were put to the test, some passed with flying colors and others failed. classes were tough but required for graduation. finances were tight. time was stretched extremely thin. loving someone that didn't understand me as much as i thought. living with someone that i couldn't trust. working like a slave both at work and at home to make sure everything else didn't fall apart, including myself.
friendships were put to the test. there was a point in the year when it looked like i could lose both budoop and leslie. budoop and i were able to smooth things out by communicating. one of the hardest things for her to do is talk to those she is closest to about problems so the combination of us being best friends with the limited time i had to even notice a drastic change in our relationship was not good at all. us being able to just put everything out on the table and discuss things is something that eased the situation and brought us closer. with leslie, sometimes, we are too much alike. combine that with living with a girl that is trying to turn friends against each other and you have a recipe for disaster. going from talking every single day to going over a quarter with minimal communication was complete torture. what i did love is that once we just got over our pride and talked it out, put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized that we were both to blame in addition to a jealous "friend" of mine, we are better than ever. i am beyond thankful.
i hate math and i hate biology. so taking upper division psychology classes that incorporated both made me want to run into a sharp object on purpose. knowing that they were required for graduation made me work that much harder to make sure that i made it through, and i did.
i made the decision to separate myself from my parents financially. i don't know a better way to prepare to enter the real world than being financially independent. this meant knowing how to manage my own money to pay rent, bills, put gas in my car, buy groceries and maintain a lifestyle similar to what i grew up with. i have never appreciated my parents so much because i do not know how in the world they did it.
working four jobs is something that i had never imagined doing but was necessary for me to advance in my field, maintain a certain lifestyle and develop a work ethic that will benefit me well into my career. however, it took a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally.
anthony is not someone that i ever pictured myself falling for but it happened. i think i liked that there was so much about him that went deeper than the surface and that he was educated. i liked that he wanted to get to know me and vice versa. i liked that i could talk to him about anything and everything. i liked that i felt comfortable being me with him. i liked that he was my best friend - the person i would tell about the good and bad things. it was all of this and more things that i cannot really describe that made me love him. i don't think i realized how much so until my "friend" and roommate sydney developed a relationship with him that i thought was inappropriate. one of my pet peeves is feeling like my feelings are not being respected or considered and that is how i felt after i voiced my concerns and saw no change in his actions. despite that, i do not hate him or wish bad upon him. at the same time, i don't want to date him, i just miss my friendship with him. one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling like something if fucked up beyond all repair and there is little to nothing you can do about it.
sydney is someone that i had to put quotation marks around the word friend because friendship is something i take seriously so when i feel like that is betrayed, there is no coming back from it. originally, i thought i had a friend in sydney because she seemed like a good person. a sign that i should have noticed but overlooked was how many friends from her inner circle she had lost. losing one friend might just be two people growing apart. losing a handful (even when they are friends with each other) means there is something wrong with the common denominator. sydney was the common denominator in those friendships ending, my relationship with leslie taking a drastic turn for the worst and the only issue i ever had with anthony. i do not like when people try to ruin a good thing. someone once said that misery loves company and just when i thought everything was going right in my life (all of my friendships were in order, work and school we going well, i had opened my heart to someone who seemed more than deserving), i noticed things were not going so well in hers. instead of being a good friend and being happy for me, she wrecked the most fragile and new thing in my life, my relationship with anthony. i cannot speak on what they do or talk about but all i know is this: anthony and i were fine before sydney and we weren't fine afterwards. it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened there. what is even more sad is how much i was taken advantage of by giving her so many chances and believing what she said. why wouldn't i believe a friend? friends that lie are not friends. living with that person just amplified the overall shitiness of the situation. i went from loving sydney to hating her to feeling bad for her. i loved the friendship i thought we had. i hated her for taking advantage of me and lying to my face. then i realized that hating people requires time and energy that i do not have. i started to feel sorry for her because not only is she losing a great friend in me, but she has lost so many friends and does not see that she is the problem. hating a delusional person would be crazy of me. she almost ruined my spring quarter. thank god budoop, leslie, anj and tay bay were there to help me through.
it was through all of this that i valued all of my friendships even more than before. i also loved how my friends from home like my godsister and best friend michele from high school did as much as they could to put me at ease throughout my entire senior year.
throughout college, i learned these things:
character is who you are in the dark.
there is no relationship more important than the one you have with yourself.
trust your own judgment.
when people show you their true colors, believe them.
the struggles in life are worth it if you take the time to make it through them.
when you love someone, show them.
appreciate quality friends and family.
do not be afraid to take risks.
you have to give to get.
pay attention to those who are there when times are rough.
the length of time you know or spend with someone does not determine how close you are; how well they know, understand and respect you does.
be grateful for all that you do have.
college in a nutshell - a large nutshell.
with graduation happening about seven weeks ago, i have had some time to reflect on my college experiences. the best way for me to break it down is by year. even though only four years have gone by, i feel as though i learned enough about myself, others and the world for at least a decade to have gone by. with that being said, let's get started.
freshman year:
being 17 and away from home was truly an experience. i didn't even realize how big of a deal it was until i was in my room weeping as my mom, brother and godsister drove away. reality set in that it would be quite some time before i saw them again. however, transitioning was made easier by having someone that i could relate to on multiple levels in the same room as myself. i still thank the santa clara housing department at least weekly for pairing me with marilena morales - she is the best roommate and friend that i could have ever asked for. my floor was amazing and i was lucky enough to be on the same floor as my favorite orientation leader, john duffy. i am pretty sure that was one of the reasons my mom was comfortable leaving me there. it is crazy to think that it is the people on my floor and in my community that are still some of my closest friends now - especially brittany miller, leslie henry, nathaniel mensah, makensy smith, sonia von berg, theophilus little and harrison augustine.
because i have always had friends from different groups, i came to college thinking it would be possible for me to keep in touch with all of my "friends" from high school (at least twenty people). looking back as a college graduate, i have been able to keep in touch with about half the amount. as a freshman, i thought it meant i was not a good friend. i now know that going away to school and being separated by thousands of miles shows you who really counted to begin with. i also learned this: as you grow up, sometimes you will grow apart from those who are not doing the same because you no longer have anything in common. this is not something that was easily recognized by me at first but once i did, it was easier to let go.
the relationship that i developed most during that first year was with myself. next, it was with marilena - she essentially became my sister. i shared everything with her, both things that were tangible and things that could not be seen. one of the relationships i am most grateful for that started during my freshman year and grew at a steady pace was my relationship with brittany or budoop as i call her.
i do not consider myself to be like the typical girl that loves to hang out with a bunch of girls and talk about trivial things. when i met brittany, that was our common connection. i found myself sharing things with her within just fall quarter (a 10 week timespan) that i didn't share with people that i had known for the entire time i was in high school. it was through this that i learned that friendship has little to do with how long you have known someone. it is more about the connection, level of trust, respect and understanding that you each have of one another. this is not something that could be determined by time. it is great to have a friend that i can call at any time, day or night, and know that she will be there.
leslie is someone that will be in my life until we die. that sounds morbid but i do not have another way to word it. i think we were drawn to each other initially because we are both kind of raw and blunt. this has caused a couple of bumps in the road for us, but at the end of the day, i think it is in large part why we have made it through - that level of rawness and honesty is hard to come by so i think it is possible that we caught each other off guard from time to time. my tongue can be razor sharp but she knows i have a good heart.
nate and i met during an ice breaker on move in weekend. since then, he has been one of my best friends. he is one of the funniest people i know and i appreciated (and still do) how comfortable he seems in his own skin. he is the type of person that can come off as being cocky or self-absorbed but what i love is what is beyond that exterior. if nate loves you, there is absolutely nothing he wouldn't do for you. i consider myself lucky to be on that side of the spectrum. i treat him like he is my child and as his mom at school, it has been amazing to watch him grow.
makensy is someone that i thought was hard to read at first. i later learned that she is just awkward by nature. she is also someone that came to college at a young age with a ton of friends from home to maintain relationships with. additionally, she had a boyfriend that she was trying long distance with for the first time, so we connected that way as well. i think part of the reason why we became friends is because we both love love without feeling smothered. we fill this void well for one another. she is my daughter at school. and in life.
sonia and i met in english class during week one of fall quarter. as strange as it sounds, i initially wanted to be friends with her because her voice reminded me of the main character from one of my favorite shows, daria. i would ask her to repeat things in class simply because her voice made me laugh. i later learned that sonia is one of those people that you can share anything in the world with which is why i love her so much. she is someone i talk to about some of my deepest and darkest secrets. it is nice to feel comfortable being able to do that without judgment or fear of it getting out. even if our friendship started because i liked her voice, i am happy it started somehow because i do not know what i would do without her.
theo is the type of friend that everyone needs. i say this because he can bring a smile to my face regardless of the type of day i am having. i also have admired his work ethic since the day we met - who comes to college to study medicine while in one of the most competitive rotc programs and still manages to maintain a great social life? only theo.
harrison's innocence and warm heart reminded me of my little brother, so that is how i treated him. even though he transferred so we do not get to see or talk to each other as much as we used to, the best kind of friends are the ones that you can go months without talking to and pick up exactly where you left off.
going to college as a 17 year old is probably unsafe just because you are in college but you are still a baby. well, at least i was. this is probably why i thought it was okay to drink/go out at least three days a week and smoke at my own leisure. this is not a lifestyle that is conducive with graduating on time and with good grades. starting sophomore year, i had some major catching up to do.
sophomore year:
wake the fuck up!!!!
that is essentially what i had to tell myself when my sophomore year started. of course, a huge part of college is having fun. however, with scu being one of the most expensive schools in the country, i needed to realize why i came - to get an excellent education and earn a diploma within four years.
marilena leaving our school made me feel like a piece of me was missing at scu. i feel like if we can make long distance work, anyone can.
i had to start prioritizing. one of the things i cut down on a great deal was partying. this was somewhat easy to do because i was hired to be a cf (community facilitator - other schools refer to this person as the ra). being responsible for the lives of 54 residents in addition to being responsible for me was no easy feat. even still, it was the most rewarding job i have ever had. i think this is when i learned just how much i love to take care of people and be a person that anyone can go to when there is something they need or want. the people that became a part of my life full-time during this year were: kamila lambert, jason travis, teki mensah, ale germann, sabrina ilich, joseph baini, ajaya ram, taylor bernal, meghan skarzynski, elisa torres, keith moorman, michael ting and taylor loutsis.
kamila is not something i ever call her. she is now known as lambchop. anyway, kamila and sabrina were paired together as roommates and i literally almost had a nervous breakdown just watching them set up their rooms because they were such polar opposites. lambchop appeared to be two things: edgy and angry. sabs appeared to be two things: prissy and happy. winning combination, right? actually, they complimented each other well and taught each other so much. lambchop had a right to be angry upon arrival because of what she was going through internally. i am just happy that what i first saw was not a permanent state of being. lambchop is one of the people i would call if i killed someone because she would help me hide the body - no questions asked. watching her come into her own and become such a beautiful being was one of the most rewarding parts of my job. even if i only can take credit for one percent, that is enough for me.
jason is a tough cookie. he is someone that could get through anything and help a friend through anything. i have seen and experienced both. i must have a thing for people from seattle - marilena, jason and taylor are all from there and absolutely amazing. he is someone that keeps me grounded and keeps me going.
teki is nate's little sister. i got to host her my freshman year because nate's roommate was filthy and he wanted his sister to stay somewhere relatively normal. i am so glad she came to scu. she is someone that makes me laugh and that just meshes in so well with me and my family. when my dad likes someone, i know they are a keeper. him and teki might as well be besties.
ale is without a doubt one of the most zen people i have ever met. one of my goals in life is to allow myself to enjoy and experience life the way she does. i feel like she has the ability to see the good in everyone and any situation. she also makes the world a more beautiful place by being in it and creating art that is indescribable.
sabs is someone that got to really get the best of both worlds out college: she got to explore her passions while stepping out of the comfort zone she had always so comfortable lived in. i enjoyed being a part of that and watching it all happen. i also love that she wears her heart on her sleeve. i myself am not an emotional person but i appreciate that she is. there is something refreshing about an emotional person that is not overly emotional.
joe is my brother. how we have not known each other since birth is actually beyond me. we were on the same cf staff and were just going through life at the exact same pace. it was nice to have someone that understood the demands of the job and me. well after the job was over, he still remains a constant in my life.
ajaya came to visit santa clara at the end of my freshman year as a prospective student. i saw that he was off by himself and wanted to make him more comfortable and have a better view of our school. little did i know that we would be lifelong friends. we have seen each other through a lot - switching schools, switching partners, switching passions, etc. even though he was only at scu for a year, we have only become closer.
tay bay and i met the same day as ajaya and i. she was originally supposed to be hosted by someone else but i kind of took over. we were talking and taking pictures like old friends after just a few hours. i was so happy she chose scu. i call her my little big sister. little because of her size and she is a grade below me. big because she is older than me by about a month. go figure.
skarz was a cf in another community but we shared a boss. she was so similar to me because she just had her feet dipped in everything. unlike some of my friends, she was not the type to get mad at me for not being able to hang out all of the time because she was equally busy. we were also similar in how much we valued quality time spent with the ones we loved whether it be family or friends.
elisa and i met freshman year but became friends sophomore year. she was so nice that i originally could not tell if it was genuine because it almost seemed unnatural to me. i don't know what that says about me but what i do know is that i am happy that i stayed around long enough to figure out just how great of a person she is.
keith is like an onion. i had to peel back layer after layer to really get to know him at his core. it was definitely worth it. i feel like he is the most philosophical people that i have ever encountered and i love good conversation, with keith, that is literally endless.
michael and i did not become really close until winter quarter. after taking a philosophy class together, i knew we would be the best of friends. we fulfill the same role in our friend groups and have similar outlooks on the world and what is important. he has been one of my favorite people to watch develop and mature.
tay does not go to scu. however, he is the best friend of one of the best people i met at scu, marilena. i met tay over memorial weekend in seattle. that weekend is one of the top five best weekends i had in college because i met him on that trip. this may sound arrogant, but i think my initial obsession was because i felt like if i were a white male, i would be taylor. he is fun, loving, intelligent, exciting and unafraid to go after what he wants. even though i feel like these are qualities i possess, at the time of my trip, some of them were dormant. he woke them up for me.
it was during this year that i reverted back to my old self but a new and improved version of myself. i also learned that there is no other relationship that is more important than the relationship that i have with myself.
junior year:
too many questions running through my head but the main one was this: did i pick the right major?
i am not used to school being difficult so when i struggled in multiple psych classes, i wondered if i chose the right path. it may sound like i am full of myself but then again, i am a pretty confident person. this confidence in myself is what made me stick with psychology, even if there were times where squeezing lemon juice in my eye would have been more bearable than studying for a class and not seeing the results that you want or deserve.
throw in the fact that i was working to help support myself in addition to doing extensive psych research, i do not know how i made it through the year. sleep is not a word i was even remotely familiar with during that time. i don't regret a single second of it - i will sleep when i'm dead.
this year, i became close with veronica and met anjelica and gracelyn.
roni and i should have been friends since freshman year. however, she thought that us la girls were clique-ish and had no interest in getting to know me. i'm happy i could prove her wrong. her east coast vibe and personality reminded me of all of the better qualities of my dad. i also liked that she isn't concerned with saving people's feelings - she is concerned with staying true to herself. she is the same roni in every setting and that is something that i love.
even though i got close to anj and glyn senior year, they entered my life junior year through sonia. they are all in the same sorority and i spend so much time with them that i have become an honorary member.
anj is my twin. we do not look alike but aside from that, we are the same. she understands me without me having to say much of anything. out birthdays are just a couple of days apart and she is one of the most selfless people i have ever met. sometimes, people take her kindness for weakness. this is something that i am all too familiar with.
glyn has more energy than anyone i have ever met. she is also going to be a great mom because she loves to take care of people and make them eat obscene amounts of food that she cooks. she is ambitious and driven. being around her makes me more ambitious and driven myself.
senior year:
welcome to the real fucking world. get ready, bitch!
no, honestly, this is what senior year was for me. definitely the most high stress year of my life. friendships were put to the test, some passed with flying colors and others failed. classes were tough but required for graduation. finances were tight. time was stretched extremely thin. loving someone that didn't understand me as much as i thought. living with someone that i couldn't trust. working like a slave both at work and at home to make sure everything else didn't fall apart, including myself.
friendships were put to the test. there was a point in the year when it looked like i could lose both budoop and leslie. budoop and i were able to smooth things out by communicating. one of the hardest things for her to do is talk to those she is closest to about problems so the combination of us being best friends with the limited time i had to even notice a drastic change in our relationship was not good at all. us being able to just put everything out on the table and discuss things is something that eased the situation and brought us closer. with leslie, sometimes, we are too much alike. combine that with living with a girl that is trying to turn friends against each other and you have a recipe for disaster. going from talking every single day to going over a quarter with minimal communication was complete torture. what i did love is that once we just got over our pride and talked it out, put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized that we were both to blame in addition to a jealous "friend" of mine, we are better than ever. i am beyond thankful.
i hate math and i hate biology. so taking upper division psychology classes that incorporated both made me want to run into a sharp object on purpose. knowing that they were required for graduation made me work that much harder to make sure that i made it through, and i did.
i made the decision to separate myself from my parents financially. i don't know a better way to prepare to enter the real world than being financially independent. this meant knowing how to manage my own money to pay rent, bills, put gas in my car, buy groceries and maintain a lifestyle similar to what i grew up with. i have never appreciated my parents so much because i do not know how in the world they did it.
working four jobs is something that i had never imagined doing but was necessary for me to advance in my field, maintain a certain lifestyle and develop a work ethic that will benefit me well into my career. however, it took a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally.
anthony is not someone that i ever pictured myself falling for but it happened. i think i liked that there was so much about him that went deeper than the surface and that he was educated. i liked that he wanted to get to know me and vice versa. i liked that i could talk to him about anything and everything. i liked that i felt comfortable being me with him. i liked that he was my best friend - the person i would tell about the good and bad things. it was all of this and more things that i cannot really describe that made me love him. i don't think i realized how much so until my "friend" and roommate sydney developed a relationship with him that i thought was inappropriate. one of my pet peeves is feeling like my feelings are not being respected or considered and that is how i felt after i voiced my concerns and saw no change in his actions. despite that, i do not hate him or wish bad upon him. at the same time, i don't want to date him, i just miss my friendship with him. one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling like something if fucked up beyond all repair and there is little to nothing you can do about it.
sydney is someone that i had to put quotation marks around the word friend because friendship is something i take seriously so when i feel like that is betrayed, there is no coming back from it. originally, i thought i had a friend in sydney because she seemed like a good person. a sign that i should have noticed but overlooked was how many friends from her inner circle she had lost. losing one friend might just be two people growing apart. losing a handful (even when they are friends with each other) means there is something wrong with the common denominator. sydney was the common denominator in those friendships ending, my relationship with leslie taking a drastic turn for the worst and the only issue i ever had with anthony. i do not like when people try to ruin a good thing. someone once said that misery loves company and just when i thought everything was going right in my life (all of my friendships were in order, work and school we going well, i had opened my heart to someone who seemed more than deserving), i noticed things were not going so well in hers. instead of being a good friend and being happy for me, she wrecked the most fragile and new thing in my life, my relationship with anthony. i cannot speak on what they do or talk about but all i know is this: anthony and i were fine before sydney and we weren't fine afterwards. it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened there. what is even more sad is how much i was taken advantage of by giving her so many chances and believing what she said. why wouldn't i believe a friend? friends that lie are not friends. living with that person just amplified the overall shitiness of the situation. i went from loving sydney to hating her to feeling bad for her. i loved the friendship i thought we had. i hated her for taking advantage of me and lying to my face. then i realized that hating people requires time and energy that i do not have. i started to feel sorry for her because not only is she losing a great friend in me, but she has lost so many friends and does not see that she is the problem. hating a delusional person would be crazy of me. she almost ruined my spring quarter. thank god budoop, leslie, anj and tay bay were there to help me through.
it was through all of this that i valued all of my friendships even more than before. i also loved how my friends from home like my godsister and best friend michele from high school did as much as they could to put me at ease throughout my entire senior year.
throughout college, i learned these things:
character is who you are in the dark.
there is no relationship more important than the one you have with yourself.
trust your own judgment.
when people show you their true colors, believe them.
the struggles in life are worth it if you take the time to make it through them.
when you love someone, show them.
appreciate quality friends and family.
do not be afraid to take risks.
you have to give to get.
pay attention to those who are there when times are rough.
the length of time you know or spend with someone does not determine how close you are; how well they know, understand and respect you does.
be grateful for all that you do have.
college in a nutshell - a large nutshell.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
6.11.11
i graduated from college today. it is so insane - i don't think it has hit me yet. one day next week, i am going to do a post recapping my college experiences. i just had to post this card i received from my grandparents:
to live a successful life does not require money, fame, power, prestige, or status symbols...it's more a matter of being true to your beliefs and principles, doing your best, even in the smallest of things, and never taking for granted the simple joys in life - such as laughter, a perfect day, or a loyal friend. for all the money in the world can't buy self-esteem, character, contentment, love, or happiness - and these are the very things that make life worth living. however you define happiness and success, may you find and enjoy them every day of your life. congratulations as you graduate.
kristin,
words cannot express how proud we are of you. i pray god will continue to bless you as you move forward in life. remember, "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." phillippians 4:13 we love you! grammy and papa
it is literally one of the truest cards i have ever received and more heartfelt than i could even express.
to live a successful life does not require money, fame, power, prestige, or status symbols...it's more a matter of being true to your beliefs and principles, doing your best, even in the smallest of things, and never taking for granted the simple joys in life - such as laughter, a perfect day, or a loyal friend. for all the money in the world can't buy self-esteem, character, contentment, love, or happiness - and these are the very things that make life worth living. however you define happiness and success, may you find and enjoy them every day of your life. congratulations as you graduate.
kristin,
words cannot express how proud we are of you. i pray god will continue to bless you as you move forward in life. remember, "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." phillippians 4:13 we love you! grammy and papa
it is literally one of the truest cards i have ever received and more heartfelt than i could even express.
Friday, June 3, 2011
6.3.11
someone once said that you do not really know someone until you live with them. this statement is unbelievably true for me both in a great way and in a terrible.
my roommate from freshman year is literally my soulmate.
my roommate from this year has been compared to the roommate from the film "the roommate"...
catch my drift?
my roommate from freshman year is literally my soulmate.
my roommate from this year has been compared to the roommate from the film "the roommate"...
catch my drift?
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