a whirlwind of thoughts

9.9.2011

2011-09-09T02:46:00.000-07:00

i think i am realizing that the dating scene is not for me. i like going on dates when i am already in relationships. i do not like dates with randoms in order to end up with "mr. right" - i wonder what that means for this love life of mine.

8.13.11

2011-08-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

conversations with my mom make my days better.

8.8.11

2011-08-08T17:04:00.000-07:00

there is nothing better than peace of mind and that is what i have now that i am living on my own. so thankful.

7.31.11

2011-07-31T12:38:00.000-07:00

mr. taylor loutsis, this is for you:
with graduation happening about seven weeks ago, i have had some time to reflect on my college experiences. the best way for me to break it down is by year. even though only four years have gone by, i feel as though i learned enough about myself, others and the world for at least a decade to have gone by. with that being said, let's get started.
freshman year:
being 17 and away from home was truly an experience. i didn't even realize how big of a deal it was until i was in my room weeping as my mom, brother and godsister drove away. reality set in that it would be quite some time before i saw them again. however, transitioning was made easier by having someone that i could relate to on multiple levels in the same room as myself. i still thank the santa clara housing department at least weekly for pairing me with marilena morales - she is the best roommate and friend that i could have ever asked for. my floor was amazing and i was lucky enough to be on the same floor as my favorite orientation leader, john duffy. i am pretty sure that was one of the reasons my mom was comfortable leaving me there. it is crazy to think that it is the people on my floor and in my community that are still some of my closest friends now - especially brittany miller, leslie henry, nathaniel mensah, makensy smith, sonia von berg, theophilus little and harrison augustine.
because i have always had friends from different groups, i came to college thinking it would be possible for me to keep in touch with all of my "friends" from high school (at least twenty people). looking back as a college graduate, i have been able to keep in touch with about half the amount. as a freshman, i thought it meant i was not a good friend. i now know that going away to school and being separated by thousands of miles shows you who really counted to begin with. i also learned this: as you grow up, sometimes you will grow apart from those who are not doing the same because you no longer have anything in common. this is not something that was easily recognized by me at first but once i did, it was easier to let go.
the relationship that i developed most during that first year was with myself. next, it was with marilena - she essentially became my sister. i shared everything with her, both things that were tangible and things that could not be seen. one of the relationships i am most grateful for that started during my freshman year and grew at a steady pace was my relationship with brittany or budoop as i call her.
i do not consider myself to be like the typical girl that loves to hang out with a bunch of girls and talk about trivial things. when i met brittany, that was our common connection. i found myself sharing things with her within just fall quarter (a 10 week timespan) that i didn't share with people that i had known for the entire time i was in high school. it was through this that i learned that friendship has little to do with how long you have known someone. it is more about the connection, level of trust, respect and understanding that you each have of one another. this is not something that could be determined by time. it is great to have a friend that i can call at any time, day or night, and know that she will be there.
leslie is someone that will be in my life until we die. that sounds morbid but i do not have another way to word it. i think we were drawn to each other initially because we are both kind of raw and blunt. this has caused a couple of bumps in the road for us, but at the end of the day, i think it is in large part why we have made it through - that level of rawness and honesty is hard to come by so i think it is possible that we caught each other off guard from time to time. my tongue can be razor sharp but she knows i have a good heart.
nate and i met during an ice breaker on move in weekend. since then, he has been one of my best friends. he is one of the funniest people i know and i appreciated (and still do) how comfortable he seems in his own skin. he is the type of person that can come off as being cocky or self-absorbed but what i love is what is beyond that exterior. if nate loves you, there is absolutely nothing he wouldn't do for you. i consider myself lucky to be on that side of the spectrum. i treat him like he is my child and as his mom at school, it has been amazing to watch him grow.
makensy is someone that i thought was hard to read at first. i later learned that she is just awkward by nature. she is also someone that came to college at a young age with a ton of friends from home to maintain relationships with. additionally, she had a boyfriend that she was trying long distance with for the first time, so we connected that way as well. i think part of the reason why we became friends is because we both love love without feeling smothered. we fill this void well for one another. she is my daughter at school. and in life.
sonia and i met in english class during week one of fall quarter. as strange as it sounds, i initially wanted to be friends with her because her voice reminded me of the main character from one of my favorite shows, daria. i would ask her to repeat things in class simply because her voice made me laugh. i later learned that sonia is one of those people that you can share anything in the world with which is why i love her so much. she is someone i talk to about some of my deepest and darkest secrets. it is nice to feel comfortable being able to do that without judgment or fear of it getting out. even if our friendship started because i liked her voice, i am happy it started somehow because i do not know what i would do without her.
theo is the type of friend that everyone needs. i say this because he can bring a smile to my face regardless of the type of day i am having. i also have admired his work ethic since the day we met - who comes to college to study medicine while in one of the most competitive rotc programs and still manages to maintain a great social life? only theo.
harrison's innocence and warm heart reminded me of my little brother, so that is how i treated him. even though he transferred so we do not get to see or talk to each other as much as we used to, the best kind of friends are the ones that you can go months without talking to and pick up exactly where you left off.
going to college as a 17 year old is probably unsafe just because you are in college but you are still a baby. well, at least i was. this is probably why i thought it was okay to drink/go out at least three days a week and smoke at my own leisure. this is not a lifestyle that is conducive with graduating on time and with good grades. starting sophomore year, i had some major catching up to do.
sophomore year:
wake the fuck up!!!!
that is essentially what i had to tell myself when my sophomore year started. of course, a huge part of college is having fun. however, with scu being one of the most expensive schools in the country, i needed to realize why i came - to get an excellent education and earn a diploma within four years.
marilena leaving our school made me feel like a piece of me was missing at scu. i feel like if we can make long distance work, anyone can.
i had to start prioritizing. one of the things i cut down on a great deal was partying. this was somewhat easy to do because i was hired to be a cf (community facilitator - other schools refer to this person as the ra). being responsible for the lives of 54 residents in addition to being responsible for me was no easy feat. even still, it was the most rewarding job i have ever had. i think this is when i learned just how much i love to take care of people and be a person that anyone can go to when there is something they need or want. the people that became a part of my life full-time during this year were: kamila lambert, jason travis, teki mensah, ale germann, sabrina ilich, joseph baini, ajaya ram, taylor bernal, meghan skarzynski, elisa torres, keith moorman, michael ting and taylor loutsis.
kamila is not something i ever call her. she is now known as lambchop. anyway, kamila and sabrina were paired together as roommates and i literally almost had a nervous breakdown just watching them set up their rooms because they were such polar opposites. lambchop appeared to be two things: edgy and angry. sabs appeared to be two things: prissy and happy. winning combination, right? actually, they complimented each other well and taught each other so much. lambchop had a right to be angry upon arrival because of what she was going through internally. i am just happy that what i first saw was not a permanent state of being. lambchop is one of the people i would call if i killed someone because she would help me hide the body - no questions asked. watching her come into her own and become such a beautiful being was one of the most rewarding parts of my job. even if i only can take credit for one percent, that is enough for me.
jason is a tough cookie. he is someone that could get through anything and help a friend through anything. i have seen and experienced both. i must have a thing for people from seattle - marilena, jason and taylor are all from there and absolutely amazing. he is someone that keeps me grounded and keeps me going.
teki is nate's little sister. i got to host her my freshman year because nate's roommate was filthy and he wanted his sister to stay somewhere relatively normal. i am so glad she came to scu. she is someone that makes me laugh and that just meshes in so well with me and my family. when my dad likes someone, i know they are a keeper. him and teki might as well be besties.
ale is without a doubt one of the most zen people i have ever met. one of my goals in life is to allow myself to enjoy and experience life the way she does. i feel like she has the ability to see the good in everyone and any situation. she also makes the world a more beautiful place by being in it and creating art that is indescribable.
sabs is someone that got to really get the best of both worlds out college: she got to explore her passions while stepping out of the comfort zone she had always so comfortable lived in. i enjoyed being a part of that and watching it all happen. i also love that she wears her heart on her sleeve. i myself am not an emotional person but i appreciate that she is. there is something refreshing about an emotional person that is not overly emotional.
joe is my brother. how we have not known each other since birth is actually beyond me. we were on the same cf staff and were just going through life at the exact same pace. it was nice to have someone that understood the demands of the job and me. well after the job was over, he still remains a constant in my life.
ajaya came to visit santa clara at the end of my freshman year as a prospective student. i saw that he was off by himself and wanted to make him more comfortable and have a better view of our school. little did i know that we would be lifelong friends. we have seen each other through a lot - switching schools, switching partners, switching passions, etc. even though he was only at scu for a year, we have only become closer.
tay bay and i met the same day as ajaya and i. she was originally supposed to be hosted by someone else but i kind of took over. we were talking and taking pictures like old friends after just a few hours. i was so happy she chose scu. i call her my little big sister. little because of her size and she is a grade below me. big because she is older than me by about a month. go figure.
skarz was a cf in another community but we shared a boss. she was so similar to me because she just had her feet dipped in everything. unlike some of my friends, she was not the type to get mad at me for not being able to hang out all of the time because she was equally busy. we were also similar in how much we valued quality time spent with the ones we loved whether it be family or friends.
elisa and i met freshman year but became friends sophomore year. she was so nice that i originally could not tell if it was genuine because it almost seemed unnatural to me. i don't know what that says about me but what i do know is that i am happy that i stayed around long enough to figure out just how great of a person she is.
keith is like an onion. i had to peel back layer after layer to really get to know him at his core. it was definitely worth it. i feel like he is the most philosophical people that i have ever encountered and i love good conversation, with keith, that is literally endless.
michael and i did not become really close until winter quarter. after taking a philosophy class together, i knew we would be the best of friends. we fulfill the same role in our friend groups and have similar outlooks on the world and what is important. he has been one of my favorite people to watch develop and mature.
tay does not go to scu. however, he is the best friend of one of the best people i met at scu, marilena. i met tay over memorial weekend in seattle. that weekend is one of the top five best weekends i had in college because i met him on that trip. this may sound arrogant, but i think my initial obsession was because i felt like if i were a white male, i would be taylor. he is fun, loving, intelligent, exciting and unafraid to go after what he wants. even though i feel like these are qualities i possess, at the time of my trip, some of them were dormant. he woke them up for me.
it was during this year that i reverted back to my old self but a new and improved version of myself. i also learned that there is no other relationship that is more important than the relationship that i have with myself.
junior year:
too many questions running through my head but the main one was this: did i pick the right major?
i am not used to school being difficult so when i struggled in multiple psych classes, i wondered if i chose the right path. it may sound like i am full of myself but then again, i am a pretty confident person. this confidence in myself is what made me stick with psychology, even if there were times where squeezing lemon juice in my eye would have been more bearable than studying for a class and not seeing the results that you want or deserve.
throw in the fact that i was working to help support myself in addition to doing extensive psych research, i do not know how i made it through the year. sleep is not a word i was even remotely familiar with during that time. i don't regret a single second of it - i will sleep when i'm dead.
this year, i became close with veronica and met anjelica and gracelyn.
roni and i should have been friends since freshman year. however, she thought that us la girls were clique-ish and had no interest in getting to know me. i'm happy i could prove her wrong. her east coast vibe and personality reminded me of all of the better qualities of my dad. i also liked that she isn't concerned with saving people's feelings - she is concerned with staying true to herself. she is the same roni in every setting and that is something that i love.
even though i got close to anj and glyn senior year, they entered my life junior year through sonia. they are all in the same sorority and i spend so much time with them that i have become an honorary member.
anj is my twin. we do not look alike but aside from that, we are the same. she understands me without me having to say much of anything. out birthdays are just a couple of days apart and she is one of the most selfless people i have ever met. sometimes, people take her kindness for weakness. this is something that i am all too familiar with.
glyn has more energy than anyone i have ever met. she is also going to be a great mom because she loves to take care of people and make them eat obscene amounts of food that she cooks. she is ambitious and driven. being around her makes me more ambitious and driven myself.
senior year:
welcome to the real fucking world. get ready, bitch!
no, honestly, this is what senior year was for me. definitely the most high stress year of my life. friendships were put to the test, some passed with flying colors and others failed. classes were tough but required for graduation. finances were tight. time was stretched extremely thin. loving someone that didn't understand me as much as i thought. living with someone that i couldn't trust. working like a slave both at work and at home to make sure everything else didn't fall apart, including myself.
friendships were put to the test. there was a point in the year when it looked like i could lose both budoop and leslie. budoop and i were able to smooth things out by communicating. one of the hardest things for her to do is talk to those she is closest to about problems so the combination of us being best friends with the limited time i had to even notice a drastic change in our relationship was not good at all. us being able to just put everything out on the table and discuss things is something that eased the situation and brought us closer. with leslie, sometimes, we are too much alike. combine that with living with a girl that is trying to turn friends against each other and you have a recipe for disaster. going from talking every single day to going over a quarter with minimal communication was complete torture. what i did love is that once we just got over our pride and talked it out, put the pieces of the puzzle together and realized that we were both to blame in addition to a jealous "friend" of mine, we are better than ever. i am beyond thankful.
i hate math and i hate biology. so taking upper division psychology classes that incorporated both made me want to run into a sharp object on purpose. knowing that they were required for graduation made me work that much harder to make sure that i made it through, and i did.
i made the decision to separate myself from my parents financially. i don't know a better way to prepare to enter the real world than being financially independent. this meant knowing how to manage my own money to pay rent, bills, put gas in my car, buy groceries and maintain a lifestyle similar to what i grew up with. i have never appreciated my parents so much because i do not know how in the world they did it.
working four jobs is something that i had never imagined doing but was necessary for me to advance in my field, maintain a certain lifestyle and develop a work ethic that will benefit me well into my career. however, it took a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally.
anthony is not someone that i ever pictured myself falling for but it happened. i think i liked that there was so much about him that went deeper than the surface and that he was educated. i liked that he wanted to get to know me and vice versa. i liked that i could talk to him about anything and everything. i liked that i felt comfortable being me with him. i liked that he was my best friend - the person i would tell about the good and bad things. it was all of this and more things that i cannot really describe that made me love him. i don't think i realized how much so until my "friend" and roommate sydney developed a relationship with him that i thought was inappropriate. one of my pet peeves is feeling like my feelings are not being respected or considered and that is how i felt after i voiced my concerns and saw no change in his actions. despite that, i do not hate him or wish bad upon him. at the same time, i don't want to date him, i just miss my friendship with him. one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling like something if fucked up beyond all repair and there is little to nothing you can do about it.
sydney is someone that i had to put quotation marks around the word friend because friendship is something i take seriously so when i feel like that is betrayed, there is no coming back from it. originally, i thought i had a friend in sydney because she seemed like a good person. a sign that i should have noticed but overlooked was how many friends from her inner circle she had lost. losing one friend might just be two people growing apart. losing a handful (even when they are friends with each other) means there is something wrong with the common denominator. sydney was the common denominator in those friendships ending, my relationship with leslie taking a drastic turn for the worst and the only issue i ever had with anthony. i do not like when people try to ruin a good thing. someone once said that misery loves company and just when i thought everything was going right in my life (all of my friendships were in order, work and school we going well, i had opened my heart to someone who seemed more than deserving), i noticed things were not going so well in hers. instead of being a good friend and being happy for me, she wrecked the most fragile and new thing in my life, my relationship with anthony. i cannot speak on what they do or talk about but all i know is this: anthony and i were fine before sydney and we weren't fine afterwards. it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened there. what is even more sad is how much i was taken advantage of by giving her so many chances and believing what she said. why wouldn't i believe a friend? friends that lie are not friends. living with that person just amplified the overall shitiness of the situation. i went from loving sydney to hating her to feeling bad for her. i loved the friendship i thought we had. i hated her for taking advantage of me and lying to my face. then i realized that hating people requires time and energy that i do not have. i started to feel sorry for her because not only is she losing a great friend in me, but she has lost so many friends and does not see that she is the problem. hating a delusional person would be crazy of me. she almost ruined my spring quarter. thank god budoop, leslie, anj and tay bay were there to help me through.
it was through all of this that i valued all of my friendships even more than before. i also loved how my friends from home like my godsister and best friend michele from high school did as much as they could to put me at ease throughout my entire senior year.
throughout college, i learned these things:
character is who you are in the dark.
there is no relationship more important than the one you have with yourself.
trust your own judgment.
when people show you their true colors, believe them.
the struggles in life are worth it if you take the time to make it through them.
when you love someone, show them.
appreciate quality friends and family.
do not be afraid to take risks.
you have to give to get.
pay attention to those who are there when times are rough.
the length of time you know or spend with someone does not determine how close you are; how well they know, understand and respect you does.
be grateful for all that you do have.

college in a nutshell - a large nutshell.

7.3.11

2011-07-03T02:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUDbSL-5GHQ

6.11.11

2011-06-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

i graduated from college today. it is so insane - i don't think it has hit me yet. one day next week, i am going to do a post recapping my college experiences. i just had to post this card i received from my grandparents:
to live a successful life does not require money, fame, power, prestige, or status symbols...it's more a matter of being true to your beliefs and principles, doing your best, even in the smallest of things, and never taking for granted the simple joys in life - such as laughter, a perfect day, or a loyal friend. for all the money in the world can't buy self-esteem, character, contentment, love, or happiness - and these are the very things that make life worth living. however you define happiness and success, may you find and enjoy them every day of your life. congratulations as you graduate.
kristin,
words cannot express how proud we are of you. i pray god will continue to bless you as you move forward in life. remember, "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." phillippians 4:13 we love you! grammy and papa

it is literally one of the truest cards i have ever received and more heartfelt than i could even express.

6.3.11

2011-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

someone once said that you do not really know someone until you live with them. this statement is unbelievably true for me both in a great way and in a terrible.
my roommate from freshman year is literally my soulmate.
my roommate from this year has been compared to the roommate from the film "the roommate"...
catch my drift?

5.30.11

2011-05-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like the fact that i see things in black and white causes me to lose out on some amazing things.

5.16.11

2011-05-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.
-maya angelou

5.14.11

2011-05-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

honesty and loyalty are underrated.

5.4.11

2011-05-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

i need the lakers to pull it together.

5.3.11

2011-05-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

some of the best advice that i have received has come for my grandmother. quote for the day: "you should not expect everyone to act and respond to things the way that you do - it is asking too much of them and is an easy way to become disappointed."

4.28.11

2011-04-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

there couldn't have been a better match...

For a writing assignment in class, I had to write two letters – one about one of the worst moments in my life and one about one of the best moments in my life. This letter is about Marilena – one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.
I have to tell you about my roommate, Marilena. Do you remember how freaked out I was about even having a roommate since I’ve always had my own room? Well, I remember you telling me not to worry – you were right. I got her contact information in the mail a few weeks before school started. When I went to look her up on Facebook, I realized she did not have one. That freaked me out a little bit because I did not want to have to call or email her – they both seem like creepy ways to contact someone for the first time. I was left with no choice, so I emailed her. It reminded me of the movie Cruel Intentions because of this scene Ryan Phillipe’s character. He was trying to convince someone two write a letter because that is more poetic “Email is for two groups of people – geeks and pedophiles”. We both know that I am not a pedophile, but I do have some geeky tendencies. I am obsessed with everything being organized, specifically by color in regards to notes for class or my closet, or chronologically when it comes to the way I tell a story or write down things in my planner for the day. Marilena and I even emailed each other pictures of ourselves so we would be able to recognize each other on move in. Anyway, she responded and we had this back and forth correspondence over the course of a week or two. Finally, I grew a pair and decided to call her. The school only gave me her home phone number, which made it that more awkward – it meant that I would have to talk to whoever answered the phone at her house, not just her directly.
I think I was almost relieved when no one answered the phone. But then the beep letting me know I could leave a message came so fast. I remember telling myself that her parents would probably be the ones to listen so I should make sure I am semi-formal. “Hi Morales Family, My name is Kristin Tappan – I am calling for Marilena, I will be her roommate next year at Santa Clara University. I was just calling to say hello and go over some last minute details. I am excited to hear back from you Marilena. I hope all of you have a great day.” I was so anxious waiting for her to call back. When she did call back the next day, I was expecting there to be a ton of awkward silences and strange banter. I could not have been less accurate. We talked for a full hour and a half with no awkward silences whatsoever. Imagine having a conversation on a warm spring day in a park with your best friend – that is what our first conversation was like, easy and enjoyable. She even admitted that because she didn’t have a Facebook, she used her best friend’s account to search for me. We had a good laugh about that one, especially when I told her how creepy I felt sending her an email. It was as if we had known each other for years.
The true test was move-in day (and those first few weeks of school and adjusting, of course). I had already accepted that my mom would cry on move-in day, my mom is extremely emotional and we are very attached to one another so it was inevitable. My brother caught me a little off guard when he began to cry because I just hadn’t thought about him being super sad about me leaving, so that was moving, but not enough to move me to tears. It was when I heard sniffling behind me that I realized that someone else was crying – my godsister, Crystal.
Because she is my rock during hard times, it is not often that I see her cry. But then I realized that this must be really hard for her – we have never lived further than 15 minutes away from one another. Currently, we can get to each other’s houses in seven minutes with traffic and three minutes if it is late at night and we get all green lights. So when I saw that she was crying and I went over to embrace her, I lost it – literally. I was crying uncontrollably and there was nothing anyone could say to make it stop or to make me feel better. Crying is an extremely draining experience for me; I usually want to collapse somewhere afterwards because the weight of my body is too much for me to hold. For every minute that I spend crying, I usually like to take an hour long nap i.e. crying for five minutes requires a five hour nap. When I watched the car pull off, it suddenly dawned on me that I probably looked like a train wreck, especially because I was wearing makeup and crying + makeup=raccoon eyes. Not exactly the first impression I wanted Marilena and her family to have of me – the overemotional roommate.
It was even stranger because I am not typically someone that cries so I act awkward when I do. There are people that have been in my life for at least a decade that have never seen me shed a tear, and now here I was with Marilena, someone that I had just met in person for the first time today, visibly upset, eyes puffy and nose stuffy. You know how I am about opening up to people – I am like an onion, you have to peel back layer after layer to truly get to know me fully and reach my core. I can put on a game face for the general public so I am friendly, but people usually do not know me as well as they think they do. Fortunately with Marilena, it was so different. She did not make me feel crazy for reacting the way that I did when my godsister and best friend of the last seventeen years drove off to go home which was 350 miles away.
We were living together for less than a week and she knew things about me that some people that I hung out with daily in high school did not know – and would probably never know. I feel like she is my soulmate as far as friends are concerned – she understands me fully and loves me unconditionally. We can sit around for hours doing absolutely nothing and have the best time. Something that I loved about her is that she did not have unreasonable expectations about how a good roommate and friend should be, so we took one another by surprise when we ended up being one of the best people the other one had ever met. It is crazy because I cannot picture my life without her in it. Marilena helped me get through some of the roughest points in my life and because I was in this new and unfamiliar place, she was the person that I was closest to at Santa Clara University so she watched me go through every single part of it.
She fits so well into my inner circle, like the very last missing piece to puzzle. And to think, I just thought I was going to room with someone, not gain a best friend. I am in my senior year at SCU, and even though she goes to University of Washington in Seattle now, we still talk every single day. She ended up transferring after our freshman year because her dad got extremely sick during our spring quarter and had to have open heart surgery. Marilena, being a very family oriented person, did not feel comfortable being that far away from home, just in case anything went wrong. It was hard for me to think of Santa Clara University without her because I had experienced everything with her. The worst part was that she did not make the decision until August when her dad still had not fully recovered from his surgery in spring and when her roommate for the upcoming year bailed out on her at the last minute (we would have lived together if I had not got the Community Facilitator job for the upcoming year – I sometimes wondered if I wouldn’t have taken that job if Marilena would still be here because she would know that she had a constant in her life, me).
Nonetheless, I feel like I gained a new family member – our bond is what I would imagine sisters to be like. I am so lucky to have been randomly placed with her during the summer of 2007. My life is exponentially better with her in it.

4.23.11

2011-04-23T00:13:00.001-07:00

i know that one day, my life will flash before my eyes. i just want to make sure that it is worth watching.

4.22.11

2011-04-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

you always hear people say that time flies and just have it go in through one ear and out the other. as i sit here typing this, there are less than two months separating me from holding a diploma in my hands. i do not know how the fuck i am already here and at this point when it seems like just yesterday, i was somewhere else. i miss the days of being worry free.

4.21.11 part 3

2011-04-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

sometimes, there is nothing like retail therapy. when i know i have accomplished something worth celebrating, going on nordstrom.com or asos.com is typically how i reward myself. although i know i am deserving, i like to see my bank account balance have at least four digits. suggestions on things i can do to avoid purchases like this would be greatly appreciated.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/marc-by-marc-jacobs-classic-q-francesca-leather-shopper/3114868?origin=category&resultback=2674

4.21.11 part 2

2011-04-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

this past quarter, i was looking for a class to fulfill the third writing requirement at my school. i came across this class called "life writing" where every single piece that we turned in was autobiographical. this sounded like it could be easy because of the lack of research that was required however, it was one of the toughest classes i've had since being at santa clara. likely, because i had to revisit some things from my past that i had since buried or internalized completely. plus, it was a challenge to go back and write the way that i would if i were that age.
from this week on, i am going to post pieces from the class that i am open to sharing with others. the first one being this:

Little Bundle of Joy

...Around this time, I felt like something was missing. I then realized that it was a sibling, specifically a little brother. I asked my parents if they could have a baby so I could have a little brother. They told me that they would love to have a baby but that God could bless us with a healthy baby boy or girl. I was not pleased. It made me wonder what all this hype around God was if he couldn’t even grant a simple request like giving me a little brother. Now, I’m fully aware that a baby is not a simple request. I told them that if God really loved me, he would give me a brother. When my parents came home and told me they were pregnant a few months later, I think they expected me to be more excited. Well, I guess we were on different pages because I told them that I would not get excited until I knew whether it was a boy or a girl. Not too long after that, they told me they were having a boy. I was thrilled. When he was born, I remember being so anxious to finally see him. He was a huge baby so they had to do a C-section to get him out – all nine pounds and 15 ounces of him. In the process, he swallowed some fluids so he had to be placed in ICU. My grandmother told me that I could finally see him and I could hardly breathe. As we walked down the long hallways of the hospital, I held her hand and squeezed it tightly. Then we made it to ICU. When the doors opened, I saw tons of incubators with all of these cute little babies and I was peering around wondering which one was mine. Most of them were tiny, so small that they almost looked fake, especially because I had dolls bigger than that at home. We continued walking. Then we stopped. The nurse told me that this was my brother. Now, I was only five, but I was no dummy. This baby was white. There was no way it was mine unless my mom and dad neglected to fill me in or something. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold it and I told her no and that I wanted to hold my brother. She insisted that this was him – this was Marcus. I then peered around and counted the other babies in the room that were closer to my complexion and there were three – three babies that were brown like me (I did not use the term black as a kid because I did not think that my skin matched the color of the black crayon so I thought brown was more appropriate). I told her that she had probably made a mistake and that my brother was supposed to be brown like me. This started to upset her – she got snappy with me, most likely because she was dealing with a snappy five year old. My grandmother sat me down and explained to me that my brother would darken over time and that when I was born, I was a lot lighter too (not that light, but still light nonetheless). Then she reminded me that my great grandmother was extremely light in complexion and that Marcus could be taking after her. I finally agreed to hold him and since then, I have not ever let him go.

4.21.11

2011-04-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

"natural woman" by aretha franklin is one of my favorite songs of all time. this cover by adele may in fact be better than the original. thoughts?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4Iq54TrSQs

1.19.10

2010-01-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

over the last few weeks, i have been asking myself how long it takes to really get to know someone. some might say a few weeks, some say a few months, others may say years. i realized it is completely unique from person to person and situation to situation. what really matters is how well you know the person you are with.
ask yourself - how well do you know the person you are with? by knowing them, i do not mean knowing what their favorite color is or knowing where their favorite place to vacation is. i mean really knowing them, being able to predict, know and understand their inner thoughts. it has been said that a person's eyes are the pathways to their soul. i don't know how true that is, unless a lot of people i know have invested in some good quality contact lenses.
let me explain: see, i have been through a rollercoaster of relationships/dating/life experiences where i thought i really knew the person i was with. i felt like i could see through them - i thought that nothing he could do would surprise me (at least not in a way that would be bad). i then realized that i should not be so naive, although this realization did not just come about on its own, it came to me after being cheated on/lied to/deceived. then it became clear - i did not know the person i was with at all. no one that i know on that level, no one that i have invested that much love, time, energy and effort into could do those things to me - it just seemed impossible. so i wondered, how did i not see the signs? it is because love is truly blind.
when in a situation that seems out of the ordinary because the other person is doing something that is unexpected, ask yourself how well do you really know them? then remember this: you have no control over how much you know about a person - all that you know is what they are willing to reveal.
being the control freak that i am, this is not something that i like, but it is something that i have found to be true. and in a world full of lies and deceit, the truth is like a breath of fresh air.

1.18.10

2010-01-18T01:10:00.000-08:00

"and i think that i know things may never change,

i'm still hoping one day i might here you say...

i make you feel a way you've never felt before,

and i'm all you need and you never want more.

then you'd say all of the right things without a clue,

but you'd save the best for last like i'm the one for you."

-adele, best for last

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIfqAKiNAZ0

1.12.10

2010-01-12T19:58:00.000-08:00

being that it is january, i often hear people talk about making new year resolutions. the most common ones i hear as a female college student are studying more, drinking less, letting go of relationships that are not healthy, exercising and prioritizing. this all sounds good, but there is one thing i do not like about resolutions - they do not seem to last. by the beginning of february, it seems like most people slip back into the same old routine that they were in before. so this year, i did not make any resolutions. i just decided that i would try and live my life as a good person (which i already do) and continue to make good decisions.

i then decided that since i have no resolutions, i would instead, turn over a new leaf. by turning over a new leaf, i mean eliminating anything in my life that is not good like myself. by good, i do not mean perfect, i just mean i cannot take care of my friends or make people into things that they are not. this may mean that i have less friends to choose from - it also means that the quality of my friends will improve.

i am at a place in my life where it is okay to be selfish. by selfish, i do not mean not considering other people, it just means that i will put myself first and make sure that i am happy. i cannot bring happiness to others if i am not happy myself. my idea of turning over a new leaf means that i will be spending more time on me: getting to know me better, loving me more, exploring me to the fullest, pushing myself to the limit, simply enjoying me, myself & i.

it is january 12, 2010 and i am turning over a new leaf - try it.

12.6.09

2009-12-06T23:20:00.001-08:00

sometimes, the things that we are the most afraid of are the things that make us the happiest.

do not live life as a spectator - dive in, you will be happy you did.

11.18.09

2009-11-18T19:49:00.000-08:00

when i was younger, marriage is not something that i ever hoped or dreamed of. i guess i just didn't understand the hype - plus i was the little tomboy that ran around the playground with the boys, not braiding hair with the girls from my class.

after getting older and digging deeper, i realized that my reason for not being in love with the idea of marriage was because of my parents. my parents were never married although they have been together since 1985. i was born in 1990 and it was planned, but still, no marriage. the two of them did not see a point in it. my dad said he did not need a piece of paper to validate his love for my mom.

they separated when i was one, got back together, when i was almost four, separated when i was ten, got back together when i was twelve and have been together since (i am currently nineteen). talk about an emotional rollercoaster (be sure to listen to the song "emotional rollercoaster" by vivian green - it will be well worth your while).

anyway, this past christmas, my dad had this heart to heart with me. he explained that my mom is the only person he wants to be with - she knows him better than he knows himself and loves him unconditionally. put simply, a life without her is not an option. so, even after all these years, he wanted to tie the knot.

now keep in mind, my mom had all the benefits of a wife: love, trust, communication, security, stability, comfort and so much more. she also had financial benefits that most wives have - the mortgage is taken care of, her car payment and if anything ever happened to my father, she and us (my brother and i) would be well taken care of. so why marriage? why now?

my dad said my mom deserves to be married - she deserves that title and gratification because although she does not say it, she wants it - even if it is on some small level.

over this past spring break, my parents got the marriage documents. i did not think much of it - getting the documents is one thing, signing them is another. this past tuesday, my mom and i were simply texting one another like we do almost every single day. i asked her why she wasn't at work and she told me that she and my dad tied the knot. she was so excited. and my dad cannot stop calling her mrs. tappan. it is almost as if this is what they needed to make their relationship come full circle.

it honestly brought tears to my eyes - and for those of you that know me, i am not the teary type. it makes me that much more excited to get married to my prince charming - actually, my king; that is the only thing suitable for a queen like myself.

11.9.09

2009-11-09T19:38:00.001-08:00

love is overcoming fear.

10.25.09

2009-10-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

lately, i seem to be the "go-to-gal" for my friends that are having relationship issues/difficulties. from these conversations, there are a few things that i have discovered. you should not be with the person you are with if any of these apply to you:

1. are you going through his/her phone? if so, that is sad - everyone is entitled to some form of privacy, and if you do not know who your mate is talking to, is it that big of a deal? honestly, it is just a sign that you do not trust them because when you do trust a mate, you know that they will tell you what is going on with them opposed to have to be inspector gadget and find that out in some sneaky way.

2. do you ever accuse them of lying? this is one of the most annoying things to me. do not question your mate's integrity. if you have to question it, you should question why you are there.

3. are there arguments where there is an overload of screaming, cussing or the worst - putting their hands on you? i hope not. you do not want a whitney/bobby relationship. that is not the business.

4. do you find yourself wondering why the person has not changed to fit you like pieces to a puzzle? answer: people do not change for others, they have to want to change for themselves. when looking for someone to be with, look for someone that is what you want already, not a fixer upper - this is not a show on hgtv, and fixer uppers as mates do not work out as well as they do on the shows. no matter how much money, time, energy and effort you invest, you still cannot change the person you are with unless they want to.

5. did shady circumstances bring you and your mate together? example: did your mate cheat on someone to be with you or vice versa? if so, what makes you think that your relationship with them last? people that cheat or do shady things to their mates do not just have flaws in their personality, they have flaws in their character. who wants to be with someone with poor character? definitely not me.

think about it.

10.18.09

2009-10-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

i thought about this today and it kind of made me chuckle even though it is a sad truth...

when we are young, we are daring and carefree. it is because there is nothing to be afraid of - yet. as we get older and experience life, we become skeptics - so skeptical that we forget to live life. we become so guarded that we block out what we need most - love.

10.11.09

2009-10-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

it is frustrating for me when there is an issue that needs to be discussed but nothing is said. communicating face to face should not be anything that we struggle with. from what i have noticed, people are quick to move towards technology to help them communicate - emails, ims, text messages, bbms, etc. what happened to the old fashioned way of doing things? meeting up to talk it out or at least a legitimate phone call?

while watching a rerun of grey's anatomy, meredith said something that answered my question...

"communication. it's the first thing we really learn in life. funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. or how to ask for what we really need."

why is it so hard to ask for what we need? we know what it is. are we afraid that the other person won't be able to give us what we need? or is it that we know that they are not willing to modify themselves or compromise? either way, communication is something that needs to be worked on. big time.

9.29.09

2009-09-29T21:58:00.000-07:00

it is pretty common for me to hear someone refer to another person or situation as 'hopeless' and i don't think they understand the severity of the word. the word itself means - having no expectation of good or success; despairing - incapable of redemption or improvement.

i do not think that there is anything or anyone in this world that is incapable of redemption or improvement. people just have to be willing put in the work and effort to improve a situation. people also have to be willing to put in the time, effort and energy that it takes to improve and make changes within themselves. all people are capable of change and improvement, they just have to want it enough themselves.

you can take a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink. stop wasting time trying to get someone to change, they have to want to change for themselves. that does not mean they are hopeless, they are just not ready.

9.23.09

2009-09-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

if i had more time, i would definitely double major and take up philosophy in addition to psychology, but since i don't, i will just settle for a minor.

currently, i am taking philosophy of the mind. every single day, i leave with my mind racing from the lecture/discussion held in class. today, the question we discussed was: how do you ever know what someone is thinking?

after much debate, the answer is simple - you cannot magically tell what someone is thinking by trying to put yourself in their shoes, analyzing them, or thinking extremely deeply about how you think they are feeling. private thoughts of the mind are overrated. what is not considered often enough is what is right in front of us, public behaviors. public behaviors provide us with the best clues as to what people are thinking. inner feelings are nothing more than public displays. now, i know you could be reading this and thinking to yourself, "what about the people that are good at masking how they feel? what about the manipulative bitches that pretend to be something or someone that they are not?"

that is when your skills need to kick into full gear. after experiences in life, one should and can distinguish genuine behavior from that that is artificial. some say that they cannot tell when someone is being genuine, or just simply do not see it as something that is possible. my answer to that is one of two things - 1. you just have not experienced enough, which is not your fault. in time, you will be able to tell if someone is the real deal. 2. you may just be in denial about what it is that you are seeing. normally, if you are really focusing on how someone is acting around or towards you, what you are seeing them portray is how they are feeling.

i thought that this made a lot of sense. rather than making excuses for someone and saying things like, "i know that is not how they really feel" or "i know they do not mean it", how about saying "wow, that is how they feel" or "it is what it is".

thoughts?

9.20.09

2009-09-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

start of a new school year officially begins tomorrow

words cannot express my excitement

if school wasn't so expensive, i think i would stay in forever

i love learning new things every single day

seeing as how i work at a desk for a few hours a few days a week, i think i will be getting back into blogging - there is not a better way to utilize this time spent online

junior year - here we go

8.27.09

2009-08-27T00:22:00.001-07:00

"why we feel what we feel isn't logical, it's emotional."

-carrie bradshaw

8.23.09

2009-08-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

after watching a series of movies and television shows this past weekend revolved around love, my roommate and i were talking about the movie serendipity. the definition of the word serendipity is: the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for. that would mean that everything is left to chance. is that true for love?

i honestly think so. a soulmate is a person that is perfectly suited to you in every way, shape and form. i think that how we find our soulmates is entirely up to chance and it comes when you are least expecting it. i am sure that makes me a romantic, which i never thought i was.

8.6.09

2009-08-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

character is who you are in the dark.

7.29.09

2009-07-29T20:11:00.000-07:00

it has been over a month

and i honestly miss this thing

stay tuned

6.17.09

2009-06-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

over the last quarter, i have done some thinking about what the word home means...the literal definition of the word 'home' is "one's place of residence" or "a familiar or usual setting."

i have found that home means something different. it is not about being somewhere physically, it is about where i am mentally and emotionally. here is why i know this - i can be in my house, but if no one is in it, it does not feel like home. my house feels like a home when my family is present, especially my mom. i also realize that i feel at home whenever i am around certain people. i love my family but i feel like santa clara is becoming just as much of a home because of the people that i surround myself with while i am there.

i think 'home' can be defined as wherever i am the most comfortable being me 100% of the time.

6.6.09

2009-06-07T03:54:00.000-07:00

"a true friend is one soul in two bodies."

-aristotle

5.31.09

2009-05-31T10:53:00.000-07:00

just 14 days until i go home for summer

so much to do in so little time

wish me luck

i need it

5.17.09

2009-05-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

game 7

los angeles lakers against the houston rockets

no need to trash talk the rockets

no need to hate on the rockets

you can have this mindset when your are confident in your team's abilties

let's do it lakers

i know you have this

5.13.09

2009-05-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

it is amazing how being somewhere for such a short amount of time can completely change your view on things or open your eyes to new situations, opportunities and possibilities...

this stems from my 36 hour trip home this weekend to los angeles - i was home for 36 hours but covered enough ground and made so much progress in different aspects in my life that i felt as though i was home for months.

it brought this thought to mind - i always used to think that there should be a certain amount of time invested in a relationship before being able to say those three words, you know, the three words that only have a syllable each but carry more meaning than most other words in the human language when grouped together - 'i love you', but oddly enough, after being home for just 36 hours, i realized that when you love someone, you just know that you love them. you have no control over how fast or slow it happens, it just does, and they are not feelings that just go away or disipate - they are feelings that stay with you if they are true.

i realized that i do in fact love someone and it is that 'wanna wake up next to you, listen to music with you, vibe with you, hug you and just simply be with you in every way shape and form' kind of love .

generally, i do not speak on things that i do not know as fact or from first hand experience, but after going home this weekend, i realized that this is a topic that i often spoke on but clearly had no idea about.

with that being said, listen to this song by kindred the family soul called 'where would i be'

it made my week...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du7njrkF-Ik&feature=PlayList&p=F8468A1D05C9C282&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=13

5.03.09

2009-05-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

it has been too long...

thought for the day: how bad do you have to want something to pursue it no matter the consequences?

4.06.09

2009-04-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

found myself today singing out your name

you said i'm crazy

if i am, i'm crazy for you

sometimes sitting in the dark wishing you were here turns me crazy

but it's you who makes me lose my head

and everytime i'm meant to be acting sensibly you drift into my head and turn me into a grumbling fool

tell me to run and i'll race

if you want me to stop i'll freeze

and if you want me gonna leave

just hold me closer baby

and make me crazy for you

crazy for you

lately with this state i'm in

i can't help myself but spin

i wish you'd come over

send me spinning closer to you

my oh my how my blood boils the sweetest for you

strips me down bare

and gets me into my favorite mood

i keep on trying and fighting this feeling away

but the more i do

the crazier i turn into

pacing floors

and opening doors

hoping you'll walk through

and save me boy

because i'm too

crazy for you

-crazy for you by adele

listen to it

4.1.09

2009-04-01T13:11:00.001-07:00

my dad was thoroughly surprised by his birthday extravaganza

bonding with my mom was fabulous
seeing high school friends made me want to go back to senior year for a bit

marilena and stomper fell in love

and the beach was great

spring break was much needed

3.15.09

2009-03-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

i like to randomly type in the name that people that i know on google images and see if anything interesting pictures come up or just how many other people share their name that do not look like them at all. i realized that i had never typed in the names of either of my parents. the picture of my dad that came up was one that was expected - something l.a.p.d related, but the one that came up of my mom was interesting. it was her senior portrait. the reason why it was the first one that came up in the search is because she was on the committee for her high school reunion and on the site, there are high school pictures of the people on the website. and here it is...my mom was a dime, even rocking the curly fro. this woman is the reason why i am breathing [literally and figuratively] and i love her so much. she makes me a better person.

3.14.09

2009-03-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

does anything in life truly last forever?

that is a question that i have been asking myself regularly over the past year or so.

it seems like over time, everything seems to fade away or disintegrate entirely. examples of that are things as simple as the color of our hair changing with old age to friendships from our childhood that we thought would last forever merely lasting from kindergarten to 8th grade graduation, and then maybe a year or so after that. most of the couples that i know who are older, and by older i mean over the age of 45 have been married more than once or have had more than one serious life partner. after looking at that, along with the statistics of divorce, it makes me wonder if anything in life can truly last forever, specifically the love that one person can have for another on a level that is deeper that is more than just being friends...on a level where you have found your soulmate.

thoughts?

3.12.09

2009-03-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

just seven more days

i cannot wait to go back home to l.a.

there is something about the familiarity and realness of it...

and i miss stomper

3.10.09

2009-03-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

the month is really flying by, but i am okay with that.

so usually, when i try to search for shows or performances that i would loke to see, none of the artists that really spark my interest or attention are playing in my area. until yesterday, and i found these four great performances...

india.arie

my mom first introduced me to her and she honestly does not get enough recognition. her songs and the delivery of them is nothing short of amazing. one of my favorite's is 'brown skin' but she has a new album out, and i would strongly recommend it.

seal

so at this point, i am pretty sure my parents have some of the best music taste known to man. my dad introduced me to seal in grammar school and i have been hooked ever since. i have never heard a voice like his and it is breathtaking. he is timeless. there is something so attractive about him. and i also love that he is married to heidi klum and has these beautiful children. one of my favorite's by seal is 'lost my faith'.

bloc party

it is rare to find an album that you can play in its entirety without skipping or even having the urge to skip over a song. if you haven't found an album like that, listen to bloc party. i think i found them at the beginning of high school. they are getting a bit more mainstream, but i do not think they get enough recognition either. check out 'this modern love' - it would be worth your time.

last but not least...

the killers

one of the most annoying things about music today is that a large chunk of it all sounds the same. the killers are the exception. they have this distinct sound and the originality is what makes me love them. in addition to that, their videos are mindblowing.

finding out about these artists in addition to a few others that i have chose not to profile pretty much made my week.

good day all.

3.08.09

2009-03-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

we often forget that to whom much is given much is tested

just keep that in mind

3.06.09

2009-03-06T00:40:00.000-08:00

emotional rollerfuckingcoaster - that is what i would call the last 48 hours. wednesday, i found out that i have a d in math. this is like, beyond upsetting seeing as how i spend countless hours every week doing math homework, studyuing, going to tutoring, consukting with my professor and really just going that extra mile. i cannot seem to do well on these exams. for all of those that know how santa clara works, every class has a prerequisite, or that is at least how it seems. so in order for me to take psych 40, i have to take math 6. this is my second time taking this class so i do not know what i am doing wrong or what else i can do to maximize my efforts and do any better than how i am doing right now [dip on the rollercoaster]. originally, i thought that i might have to take math 6 a third time [rollercoaster going upside down], and the thought of that was laughable because that would mean that i would be spending the equivalent of a full academic year in a class that is supposed to be about a quarter long. i was then informed by my academic advisor that as long as i receive a 60%, i can move on to psych 40 [a little bumpy] although i do not want a 60% for a class that i have been busting my ass in.

today, i had a group project. group projects are bullshit because no one ever does everything they are supposed to do and someone always falls short. so i was shitting bricks until about 20 minutes before class when everything seemed to come together. then i got a package from my mom with an unexpected note and gift. somehow, getting something from my mom made everything better [the fun part of the rollercoaster]. i am just really looking forward to the weekend, the next 2 weeks flying by, marilena coming to see me & driving home together.

3.03.09 part 2

2009-03-03T23:15:00.000-08:00

i have to say i normally am not a fan of when people remake songs. i find that i am typically disappointed, and this is another exception. cyndi lauper does not have anything on cassandra wilson's time after time. check it out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySVWeao57m8

3.03.09

2009-03-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

i have always had a thing for lenny kravitz. his voice makes me melt and something about him is so attractive - with or without the dreads. his rendition of this song is absolutely fabulous, so follow the link & you will thank me later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVDbKvGukeU

3.01.09

2009-03-01T00:39:00.000-08:00

first off, i cannot believe that it is already march. thankfully, there are less than 3 weeks until i go home for spring break. i miss l.a. & i am pretty sure l.a. misses me...

anyhow, i have a thousand things on my mind, but let's start off with the good ones: the jamie foxx cd is a must have, i have been listening to it every single day since i got it...the same applies for adele's album titled 19. i also bought this really cool book from urban outfitters & anyone that knows me knows how much i enjoy reading, but this book is the total opposite of that, it is titled 'all about me' and it is the story of your life. it poses so many questions that run through my mind daily yet at the same time, it poses questions or inquires about topics that i would normally avoid discussing. i would definitely recommend going to www.philippkeel.com

you will thank me later - trust me

so this isn't really bad, it just isn't as nice or positive but it is real. i think it is important to practice what you preach. i try my best to do that daily and i think it would be wonderful if everyone could at least attempt to do the same. so if you think my blog entries start to sound like church sermons but i am just talking the talk and not walking the walk, let me know.

2.27.09

2009-02-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

some of the people that attend santa clara are completely out of control. i just wonder why this young man by the name of alex thought it was necessary to throw water bottles and other trash onto the court during the gonzaga game, causing them to gain 4 points, and then a ripple effect until we lost by about 10 points. you can yell or scream at the players from the opposing team, but there is a point where the line should be drawn. and to think, i missed grey's anatomy for all of this...

on another note, i am so over midterms. i think we should have all of our midterms during weeks 3 & 7, not weeks 3 through 10. so i have a spanish midterm today and a math midterm monday. i am not too worried about spanish but math is going to be difficult because i do not really do math. wish me luck...

oh, and i will be going out tonight - i deserve it.

have a great day!

2.24.09

2009-02-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

some of the most simple things in like can be the most pleasing. for me today, it was my shower. there is such a huge difference between a 'five minute, in a hurry, i need to get somewhere' type of shower and the shower i had. i had one of those, 'i am not in a rush to go anywhere, i have all the time in the world, i am going to wash and condition my hair a few times just for the hell of it' type of showers. it was amazing, and that great shower was the start to a great day. so i would suggest that everyone take at least one or two days a week to take one of these wonderful showers. it will be worth your time, trust me.

2.18.09

2009-02-18T22:27:00.000-08:00

have you ever watched something sad on tv that made you cry? i feel like most people have but i think what happened to me was somewhat strange. i cried because of something that was on tv but then i continued to cry, long after the show went off. i then realized that my tears only originated from the show, but the continuous flow had nothing to do with the show at all. i couldn't really pinpoint my exact reason for crying at first, and i still do not know if i have hit it right on but i do know one thing - i miss lounging in bed with my mom & crystal and just being at home. i am not really the homesick type, but i am so ready for spring break. i just want to be in my new queen sized bed with the two women that understand me the most. that is all.

2.17.09

2009-02-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

birthdays are something that i have grown to appreciate, love and enjoy very much - especially over the last five years ago. many people have a favorite holiday, and if i had to choose one, i am sure that i could after some contemplation, but the best days of the year are people's birthday that you love & your own birthday of course. i feel like people forget what holidays are really about, like how people go into debt after christmas, a day that essentially has nothing to do with them. a birthday is the day to really go all out for because it is a day especially for you. i was fortunate to celebrate by 19th birthday this past friday, the 13th. i don't really expect much on my birthday, it is just the one day during the year that i do whatever it is that i want to do - so i decided to stay in. most people question why, but i was so exhausted from the week that nothing sounded more appealing than resting in my bed while watching movies & having people come to pay me visits. i thought my birthday had reached its peak around 8pm on friday, but i was wrong.

one thing that made my day great were the phone calls i received. anyone can send a text message, a facebook/myspace comment, an email - but it takes more time, effort and energy to just pick up the phone. to those that called me or physically came by my room - thank you for making my day so special. and for those that mailed me something, especially my parents and grandparents, i am so blessed to have family like them. anyhow, as the night went on, more and more people started to pour into my room. some came with happy birthday wishes, others with cards, some with baked goods, others with gifts for me, some with no idea that it was my birthday (which i didn't mind, i just like company), but the best is when the majority of my closest friends from santa clara stopped by - those 'ride or die' type of friends. the friends that are there for you through thick and thin. now right now, we are in the middle of midterms, so i know it has been a hell of a week. i was not expecting big, extravagant gifts from anyone, but leave it to my friends to go beyond what is expected. these girls, specifically brittany, holly, leslie, teki and even one of my residents, sara made me feel like february 13 was the most important day that has taken place all year long. i finally went to bed around 4 am and i couldn't have asked for more.

saturday was valentine's day. and oddly enough, whether or not i have a valentine does not determine my feelings regarding the day itself. the beginning of the day was a lazy one, i didn't leave my building until 7pm, and it was nice to just be. i went to chipotle with leslie and teki & it was splendid as always. then we came on back, got ready and went out. the first party we went to was decent but the second one was much better. holly, theo & roni came along. it was nice to go out, have a few drinks, dance and just have a good time in general. i honestly believe that i could have some sort of sleeping disorder. i can essentially go to sleep anywhere regardless of the noise level, as i did saturday night in a huge arm chair at this extremely loud house. oh me, oh my.

sunday was more relaxing than anything else. i had made plans to go out to lunch or something of that nature with brittany, who i often refer to as 'budoop'. now my budoop is not really like most teens in terms of how obsessed teens seem to be with having their phones glued to their hands. she is more of the - check my phone every other hour type, even though she is popular enough to check her phone at least every five minutes. so just as i thought my weekend was going perfectly, her roommate who is also one of my close friends named holly comes over and is frantic. when i say frantic i mean looks like she is going to lose it. she goes on to tell me this story about how brittany got home at 5am [which shouldn't have been the case seeing as how she was supposed to be gone for the entire night for valentine's day] and she was soaked from being in the rain, she was crying & she couldn't even undress herself. holly told me that brittany cried herself to sleep. did not want to talk about it, woke up at 4pm sunday and was just crying and sleeping all day. as brittany's best friend, this shook me up - brittany is not the crying type, so if she is hysterical the way holly was describing it, something terrible must have happened. so we decided we would all go out to dinner to change up brittany's environment. we decided that we would leave around 7-7:15ish and i told them that teki and i would drive over to pick up leslie, holly and brittany. when i got inside of campisi [holly and brittany's building], i was so worried about what it was that i was going to say to brittany to ease her pain and let her know that i am here for her no matter what. none of that was necessary since all of it was a lie/plot to surprise me. they opened the door, more specifically, brittany opened the door, fully dressed and happy. there were over 20 balloons, a cake with a candle and some of the best girls in the world in there. i was overwhelmed to say the least. they then tell me that i have been tricked [duh, haha] and that we have reservations at this restaurant called 'straits' at santana row. it was wonderful, everyone enjoyed their meal, and i enjoyed their company. elisa had the idea for everyone to go around and say their favorite memory of me - this touched me deeply. it is weird to see and hear how close you are to someone, and going around the table showed me how close i am to each and every single one of those girls. we went back to brittany and holly's room where they proceeded to sing to me, we ate cake, elisa had to leave, but the rest of stayed and had talks about life in general. those five girls [brittany, holly, leslie, teki & sara] really know how to make me laugh...i will leave it at that. anyway, i have never been that surprised regarding birthday plans, the gifts that i received that were so specific to me, and the even better gifts were the friendships that i have built with these girls.

monday, i went shopping at the gilroy outlets. anyone that knows me knows that i love to shop. since alan and juan were the ones that told me about these outlets, they had to come. leslie and teki are my shopping buddies and they came as well. it was so nice to get off campus and be in a different environment. we all found some great deals, we got to eat at sonic which is one of my favorite places. leslie had never been, so i was happy she finally got to go. we got back to campus. i got a call from my friend meghan, she is also a cf in sobrato. she wanted to stop by & when she did, she gave me this beautiful gift, the best card and the warmest of hugs. it really finished off my weekend on a high note. i had to do a social for my residents, and afterwards, we all convened in my room. i like to proofread leslie's & she seems to do well when i do. alan and i have become progressively closer over the last couple of weeks so we like to have discussions about life. joe came back from san diego, and i realized something - he is one of my best friends sand knows me like the back of his hand. i missed two people a lot this weekend from santa clara, both him and ajaya. i realized that when we leave santa clara, i won't see them as often, and that really made me sad, but at the same time, it made me treasure our friendships now & how close we have become in such a short period of time. anyway, alex, sara & alan were in my room until after 3 but i enjoy every second of it. and to all of you that have not seen four brothers, watch it immediately.

my weekend was magnificent from start to finish. the people that i would like to thank from home/not from santa clara: my grandparents, parents, brother, godsister, godmother, roomie, jessica, valerie, carolynn, audrey, old friends from grammar and high school & cousins as well; from santa clara, i would like to thank: teki, leslie, brittany, holly, ajaya, joe, meghan, elisa & sara.

i couldn't have asked for a better birthday or better friends & family.

2.10.09 part 2

2009-02-11T00:09:00.000-08:00

oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain...
so i went to oklahoma this past weekend
my great grandmother (my mother's father's mother) turned 80
and we flew into oklahoma to surprise her
it was probably one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen
there were so many people congregated to celebrate her
because she is the epitome of a strong black woman
a wonderful mother
a great friend
a beautiful person
and i want to be like her in every aspect when i am 80
and i hope 60 people come to surprise me and shower me with love
happy birthday malinda anastasia garrison
you are my hero

2.10.09

2009-02-10T02:16:00.000-08:00

the most popular song by ingrid michaelson is 'the way i am'

but this song is some of her best work by far

its called 'overboard'

I could write my name by the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.

But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply aught to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by
I play the girl will you play the guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall.

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-

I watch the ships go sailing by I be your girl will you be my guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall.

To fall, to fall, to fall...

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me.

1.28.09

2009-01-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

i have never been one to ask for help because i saw it as a sign of weakness but as i mature and go through more obstacles in life, i have come to realize that the real sign of weakness is not being able to admit that help is needed or just being afraid to ask for help at all.

1.21.09

2009-01-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

over the last year or so, i have learned a great deal about what it is to be loyal. although many use the word loosely, i feel quite strongly about it. merriam webster defines the word loyal as 'unswerving in allegiance' or being 'faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution or product'. i strongly believe that any successful relationship will die quickly if both parties are not loyal to one another. this is not only applicable to relationships that involve intimacy, but with relationships with friends, family members, coworkers or anyone else that matters on some level. i put my all into all of my relationships to make sure that the other party does not only know that i am loyal because i verbalize it, but because of my actions. if there is no sense of loyalty in any relationship that you may currently be in, i feel like it is a relationship that should just be let go. i guess what i want people to think about is...

what does loyalty mean to you?

and if you can define it, how important is loyalty to you?

1.19.09

2009-01-19T16:50:00.000-08:00

since january 1st, instead of making a new years resolution, i decided that i should just focus on ways to improve my life as a whole. one way i thought i could accomplish that goal is by spending more quality time with the people that really matter. anyone can hang out with 50 or 60 associates and call them friends, but it is much better to just spend time with the handful of people that are the most important - the ones that are there for you through thick and thin, the ones that can put a smile on your face, and the ones that understand what you mean and how you are feeling without saying a word. so for the last couple of weeks, that is what i have been doing and i have never been happier. i would strongly suggest that everyone try it - you will be much happier and feel that your time is well spent. so i think all i am trying to say is...

spend time with those that matter

1.16.09

2009-01-16T00:14:00.000-08:00

so i have been told recently that i need to do something for me - something that makes me feel free, gets my thoughts out, clears my head, etc.; this seems to be the answer to my problem. i am not here for anyone special, just myself. the more comfortable i get with other people reading what i write, the more intense and uncensored my blogs will become. i never intentionally hurt or offend people but i do believe in freedom of speech so be prepared. i probably won't do this everyday, but i will do it a few times a week. that's all for now.